I had a dream last night. I tend to dream most nights, and they're very often... weird. They're cinematic, so I love dreaming because it's like watching an action/adventure flick every night, but looking back on them in the morning, I often wonder what on earth goes through my brain at night. Last night involved zombies. And it was amazing. Except for when it was traumatizing.
And it wasn't traumatizing for the reasons you would think. None of my family got eaten in front of me, or got their brains blown out by overzealous shotgun-wielding vigalante-wannabes. I didn't end up naked in front of the zombie hoards and I didn't get zombified. No, instead, I sort of emotionally cheated on the BOY.
I'm not a possessive person. Well, that's kind of a lie. I am. My stuff is my stuff. Don't touch it. Please. But when it comes to people, I'm not one of those friends that feels threatened by other people. The BOY flirts with everything, and it doesn't bother me. I'm still sort of getting used to the idea that I am sort of exclusively 'belonging' to another person and that I have a person who sort of exclusively 'belongs' to me - and I use the term 'belong' very, very loosely. But there is that sense of exclusivity now. I'm learning just how much I can depend on this other person, how much I can confide in them, how much I can lean on them and need them and in return, be the receiver of all of these things in return. But it comes down to that I am very happy where I am, with who I am with.
Which is why this dream bothered me as much as it did. First, we were in the middle of this zombie apocalypse, where the moon is literally bleeding and we are probably facing the end of the world, and I can't contact the BOY. I don't know if he's alive or dead and knowing that I only have days, if not hours, to live and I can't tell him how much he means to me... that was really hard. Then, I was confronted with another boy that I know. It was one of those dream-circumstances where it was definitely a person you know in real life, but it looks nothing like them and really even acts nothing like them. He was part of some group of resistance fighters, who had built up something of an organization to take out the zombies, and I was essentially rescued by him. We hadn't seen each other in years in the dream and we hugged, as both of us are prone to do in real life.
That was where it got weird. Something - call it dream preknowledge - tipped me off that the boy was about to confess. So I jumped ahead of him, informing him that I was already in a relationship with the BOY, trying to let him down easy. I felt his shoulders slump and I apologized. But apparently that wasn't enough for my dream-self, because then I went on to say words that kind of haunt me right now: "I'm not going to ask you to wait for me or anything, because that would give the wrong idea, but..."
It's the "but" that gets me. I don't actually like this boy in that way at all in real life. He is a good friend, but I am not interested. The only reason I can come up with - the reason that flashed through my brain in the dream for even giving out that "but" - is that there is a single hurdle to the BOY's and my relationship that would not exist with this other boy. I understand that this was merely a dream and that the actions within the dream are not necessarily representative of my actions in real life, but it bothers me that my brain leaped ahead to this hurdle - one that can be easily overcome with time and patience and the mutual respect that we already have for one another - and came up with the idea that I should ask this other boy to wait until that hurdle drove me and the BOY apart. It's just... no.
Fastforward through some zombie-evasion and other such cool action-hero stuff, and get to where I am still worried about the BOY, but am hugging it out with the other boy again. This time, it's a mutual advantage-taking and we both know it. He's taking advantage of the fact that I need to be held to get close to me, and I'm taking advantage of the fact that he has feelings for me so that I can be supported. That bothered me too. Granted, the whole reason I need to be supported was because I was worried for the BOY, but I was just slumped over in the other boy's arms, cuddling in a way I only ever have with the BOY. It just felt so wrong, that I would be depending on this other person while I didn't know if the BOY was okay.
I know that this is all bothering me far more than it should. It was just a dream, and for a few times in the dream - because dreams are stupid like that, without any sense of linearity or consistency - it was actually the BOY holding me and supporting me before it would flash back to the other boy. It's all because I'm lonely right now after having been surrounded by friends for months only to go back to my parents' house on my own, and because I'm missing the BOY, and because I'm exhausted and hormonal. Everything is hitting me harder than it should.
I never used to get lonely like this. Even taking out the 'exhausted' and 'hormonal' bits, I've been missing the BOY like nobody's business the last week or so. I did all right for the first few weeks of break, but as the time gets closer to go back, it's getting harder to wait. It's just... weird, and I'm not sure that I like it. It's all part of getting used to being in a relationship, I guess, and due to the fact that I overthink every. damn. thing. I've been thinking a lot of about myself and about things and it's just all piling up because I can't do anything about any of it until I get back from break.
The good news is that I get back in less than a week now. I'm ready to not feel this anxious and needy and lonely all the time.
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