So, twenty-first birthday has come and gone. I didn't get smashed, thus probably putting my in the minority of my peers, or at least my immediate circle of friends. I did, however, sample a few drinks, and in the past few days, have ordered drinks with an aplomb that has caused visible shock in my companions. With my casual order of "a glass of water and a screwdriver" during a happy-hour-timed lunch the other day, my friend blinked at me in surprise and commented on how easily that had come out of my mouth. They all seemed to be under the impression that I was not going to ease into drinking that easily.
I was a lawful child going into drinking. Aside from the occasional sip of a wine or mixed drink offered by my parents on special occasions, I hadn't imbibed at all before actual anniversary of birth. I knew that I liked red wine, margaritas without the salt rim and limeade with vodka was tasty. I also knew to stay away from cheap grape vodka because it tasted like cough syrup and totally made the BOY vomit after a shot or two.
But all in all, I'm pretty new to the whole drinking scene. I don't know anything about anything. Found out that I can handle a few mouthfuls of a Blue Moon (kinda gross, I would have mixed it with orange juice), few sips of a Long Island, a badly-mixed (but seriously tasty) Hurricane, a glass of rather cheap Merlot and a Mike's Harder Limeade with only a minimal loss of balance. It was better than I was expecting at least, what with me weighing a measly hundred and twenty-eight pounds and being incredibly susceptible to caffeine. But yeah, I'm a lightweight. After the wine, which was first, I was definitely starting to feel dizzy. I bought my first bottles of wine two days ago and after two glasses, I am definitely comfortable. So there's that.
And yeah, it was a good day. I had an amazing pizza, with chicken, spinach, pepperoni, and bacon. Amazing, I say. I could have eaten a plate of any of the ingredients on their own. They were that good. Hung out with friends both that I love and know well, and also friends that I didn't know that well but got to know better. Uncharacteristically kicked a great deal of butt in Super Smash Bros (seriously, actually came in first against the sober and far-more-experienced-at-Super-Smash BOY), and ended up playing Portal 2 in a friend's apartment.
Good times.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
revenge is a dish best served cold
It's cold outside. Some of it might be that I'm sleepy and therefore my body temperature is dropping and yeah, reasons, but it is also freakin' cold outside.
I want my leather jacket to be clean. I bought it in a secondhand store for ridiculously dirt-cheap, but didn't realize until later that it smelled of cigarettes. So now, it's in the cleaner's. And it would be fabulous to have right now, what with the cold, but yeah, it's in the cleaner's. Poo.
I want my leather jacket to be clean. I bought it in a secondhand store for ridiculously dirt-cheap, but didn't realize until later that it smelled of cigarettes. So now, it's in the cleaner's. And it would be fabulous to have right now, what with the cold, but yeah, it's in the cleaner's. Poo.
Monday, January 16, 2012
murdering the souffle
Trying to change up my reading practices for school lately. My professor for Persuasion assigned more than one reading on the subject of good reading and studying habits. So I've actually been underlining in my book. Not only underlining, but also writing notes in the margins.
This sounds rather innocuous, but for me, it is nearly sacrilege on par with dog-earing the pages and leaving the book propped open upside-down so that the spine cracks. And I'm using pencil, not even highlighter or pen. It's helpful, I'm not denying it, but it feels so wrong.
But there is something that makes me feel so incredibly productive when I flip through a chapter of my book, seeing the occasional underlining and the neat little notes in the margins, connecting concepts here and there to other places in the book and even to other courses this semester.
Because, seeing as how I'm immersed in my major this semester and every class I'm taking is in my program, things are connecting all over the place. It's gotten to the point - already - that I sometimes don't remember in which class I learned which concept. It's overlapping and building up and just connecting all over the place, so I've got notes linking the classes together in the margins of every book.
It's nice. Different, but nice. I feel like this is actually worth the time I am spending, as opposed to being just random concepts thrown together into a schedule for the year.
This sounds rather innocuous, but for me, it is nearly sacrilege on par with dog-earing the pages and leaving the book propped open upside-down so that the spine cracks. And I'm using pencil, not even highlighter or pen. It's helpful, I'm not denying it, but it feels so wrong.
But there is something that makes me feel so incredibly productive when I flip through a chapter of my book, seeing the occasional underlining and the neat little notes in the margins, connecting concepts here and there to other places in the book and even to other courses this semester.
Because, seeing as how I'm immersed in my major this semester and every class I'm taking is in my program, things are connecting all over the place. It's gotten to the point - already - that I sometimes don't remember in which class I learned which concept. It's overlapping and building up and just connecting all over the place, so I've got notes linking the classes together in the margins of every book.
It's nice. Different, but nice. I feel like this is actually worth the time I am spending, as opposed to being just random concepts thrown together into a schedule for the year.
Friday, January 13, 2012
baker's dozen
Sometimes, you find out things about people that you didn't want to know. That you wish you could unknow. That sort of change everything you thought you knew, or at least make you reexamine it all.
---
The beginning of a semester is always interesting to me, in how I am thoroughly excited for the whole thing, ready to make connections and read critically and write ridiculous amounts. Then classes actually start to grind and everything falls off the wagon. But for now, I'm inspired. Just have no time. But class notes so far have been great thought-fodder.
Talked for a long time today with my mom about figuring out how to reconcile a lot of my own doublethink. On the one hand, there is the wanting to love everyone and care for everyone and just generally be the best friend I can be to everyone. On the other hand, there is the simple fact that that is physically and emotionally impossible.
And that's okay. I know that it's okay. It just comes down to me being willing to accept it into my brain and translate into my actions. It'll happen, just slowly.
---
The beginning of a semester is always interesting to me, in how I am thoroughly excited for the whole thing, ready to make connections and read critically and write ridiculous amounts. Then classes actually start to grind and everything falls off the wagon. But for now, I'm inspired. Just have no time. But class notes so far have been great thought-fodder.
Talked for a long time today with my mom about figuring out how to reconcile a lot of my own doublethink. On the one hand, there is the wanting to love everyone and care for everyone and just generally be the best friend I can be to everyone. On the other hand, there is the simple fact that that is physically and emotionally impossible.
And that's okay. I know that it's okay. It just comes down to me being willing to accept it into my brain and translate into my actions. It'll happen, just slowly.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
the fry machine is broken
It's not a clumsily-couched metaphor: the deep fryer is broken at school. There's a little sign and everything. My friends might just die of deprivation, seeing as how they are totally addicted to those things.
--
Been doing a lot of thinking lately about my living situations. I love my housemates currently. They are fantastic people, undemanding, caring and just generally wonderful. But I'm living in their house with them, and I'm very aware that it is their house. I'm good for this semester, but I really want to get a place of my own with a friend or two as roommates, who are okay with our friends coming over and being their loud obnoxious selves. Right now, I feel like that'd be intruding on my housemates. I don't want to feel like I'm imposing.
And, the thing is... I think I want to get that as early as this summer. I don't know if I can do my family for two months. I'm already mostly decided on doing summer school for all of June, so I'd either have to extend my lease for that month or get my own place, so my break has gotten cut down to two months. But I don't know if I can even do those two months. I love my family, but geez they nearly drove me crazy over Christmas break. That was about four weeks. Two months feels like forever.
That does mean that I have to take some stuff into account though. I currently have a job lined up for the summer. If I stay at school, I'd need to find work up here. I'm not currently working through the semester so that I can focus on classes. If I'm going to stay here over the summer, I might as well be productive during that time period, and I'd have to let my boss know back home that he's going to have to find another employee. He knows that's a possibility already, so it'd just be a matter of notice. But I'd have to do job searching all over again, or maybe an internship.
There's more thinking to be done in all of this, and I need to talk with the parents about it a bit, but my mind is sort of leaning towards being made up at this point. We'll see how it goes.
--
Been doing a lot of thinking lately about my living situations. I love my housemates currently. They are fantastic people, undemanding, caring and just generally wonderful. But I'm living in their house with them, and I'm very aware that it is their house. I'm good for this semester, but I really want to get a place of my own with a friend or two as roommates, who are okay with our friends coming over and being their loud obnoxious selves. Right now, I feel like that'd be intruding on my housemates. I don't want to feel like I'm imposing.
And, the thing is... I think I want to get that as early as this summer. I don't know if I can do my family for two months. I'm already mostly decided on doing summer school for all of June, so I'd either have to extend my lease for that month or get my own place, so my break has gotten cut down to two months. But I don't know if I can even do those two months. I love my family, but geez they nearly drove me crazy over Christmas break. That was about four weeks. Two months feels like forever.
That does mean that I have to take some stuff into account though. I currently have a job lined up for the summer. If I stay at school, I'd need to find work up here. I'm not currently working through the semester so that I can focus on classes. If I'm going to stay here over the summer, I might as well be productive during that time period, and I'd have to let my boss know back home that he's going to have to find another employee. He knows that's a possibility already, so it'd just be a matter of notice. But I'd have to do job searching all over again, or maybe an internship.
There's more thinking to be done in all of this, and I need to talk with the parents about it a bit, but my mind is sort of leaning towards being made up at this point. We'll see how it goes.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
with sugar on top
A lot of this blog is rather depressing and personal and thoughtful and just generally not my cheery, bubbly, normally-rather-oblivious self. That's okay. That's what I made it for. Sometimes just writing something through helps.
And so:
To the drama llamas, specifically the one who keeps calling me at two in the morning: for serious, I'm not going to pick up the phone. You are drunk making those calls; I am not encouraging you. Yes, I know that you have issues. I really truly want you to be all right. I tried to help you early on, but you ended up rejecting it by not following through on your own. I can't do it for you. You are an adult and you can make your own decisions and you are not my responsibility. I can't take responsibility for you. I refuse to. I've done it for too long for a lot of people and it wouldn't be healthy for either of us.
Also, most people are asleep at two in the morning. That's why I don't answer. I'm asleep. If you want me to answer, send me a text. And then answer the freakin' text I send back. Because I do. And then you don't say anything. Seriously, just tell me what it is that's wrong if you're going to. Don't wait for me to ask you a million times what's up, because I will assume nothing is up when you don't answer the first or second time. I can't fish for information. I won't. It's your own business and if you want to tell me, tell me. I'm not going to ask. I can't walk down that road again.
--
To the parents of the BOY: it was great meeting you. I see where he gets some stuff from. It helps me understand him a little bit more. I really enjoyed my time with you and I'm sorry if it felt like I was imposing at all. I wasn't really expecting him to take me with him to his brother's birthday dinner. Seriously, I was more than willing to come, but by all means, if you don't want me intruding, say so. I think I said as much, but it was wonderful that you made me feel included. I had a great time and I hope that I get to see you again soon.
--
To my friends who are worried about me and the BOY: if you had an issue, I wish you would actually bring it up with me. Thank you to my friend who did tell me that she didn't really like him and that there were others that didn't really like him. I get it. I know he could rub people the wrong way. He doesn't bother me. Time will tell if this is actually how I feel or if I'm just still in puppy-crush-mode, but I honestly am happy with him. I don't want him to be divisive between our friendships, but at the same time, he is who I am with at the moment.
I feel really stupid saying this, because it feels like I'm being the rebellious girl who is running away with the bad boy, leaving all her friends behind. I don't want to do that. I honestly just get along with everyone. But I know that there are some people who don't. I can apologize that he's causing friction if indeed he is causing friction, but I won't apologize for liking him. And seriously? If you have a concern, please say so. What if he really was bad for me? What if he was abusive or pushy or whatever it is that concerns you guys? What if I were in trouble with him?
I'm not. He respects my space when I ask for it. Yes, he curses too much. So does half the world. Yes, he can be argumentative. I can talk to him about taking it down a notch, because I know that some of you take offense to it. I don't argue with people. He doesn't get fuel from me and I also know that he's not being malicious. He's just intense.
But I'm happy. He is thoughtful and considerate and generous and intelligent. I'd love to ask you to spend more time with him, but you don't have to. If you really don't like him that much, okay. I understand. If you want to just hang out with me, just say so. I'm not offended. I just ask that you trust my judgement in him, but seriously, bring me your concerns. I would like to assuage them or take them into consideration as the case may be, okay?
--
To classes starting tomorrow: go easy on me. I was having a wonderful start of the year now that I was back. Then drama happened and while I personally am in a great space, there are people around me who are not and who are trying to drag me down with them. Please don't add to my troubles.
And so:
To the drama llamas, specifically the one who keeps calling me at two in the morning: for serious, I'm not going to pick up the phone. You are drunk making those calls; I am not encouraging you. Yes, I know that you have issues. I really truly want you to be all right. I tried to help you early on, but you ended up rejecting it by not following through on your own. I can't do it for you. You are an adult and you can make your own decisions and you are not my responsibility. I can't take responsibility for you. I refuse to. I've done it for too long for a lot of people and it wouldn't be healthy for either of us.
Also, most people are asleep at two in the morning. That's why I don't answer. I'm asleep. If you want me to answer, send me a text. And then answer the freakin' text I send back. Because I do. And then you don't say anything. Seriously, just tell me what it is that's wrong if you're going to. Don't wait for me to ask you a million times what's up, because I will assume nothing is up when you don't answer the first or second time. I can't fish for information. I won't. It's your own business and if you want to tell me, tell me. I'm not going to ask. I can't walk down that road again.
--
To the parents of the BOY: it was great meeting you. I see where he gets some stuff from. It helps me understand him a little bit more. I really enjoyed my time with you and I'm sorry if it felt like I was imposing at all. I wasn't really expecting him to take me with him to his brother's birthday dinner. Seriously, I was more than willing to come, but by all means, if you don't want me intruding, say so. I think I said as much, but it was wonderful that you made me feel included. I had a great time and I hope that I get to see you again soon.
--
To my friends who are worried about me and the BOY: if you had an issue, I wish you would actually bring it up with me. Thank you to my friend who did tell me that she didn't really like him and that there were others that didn't really like him. I get it. I know he could rub people the wrong way. He doesn't bother me. Time will tell if this is actually how I feel or if I'm just still in puppy-crush-mode, but I honestly am happy with him. I don't want him to be divisive between our friendships, but at the same time, he is who I am with at the moment.
I feel really stupid saying this, because it feels like I'm being the rebellious girl who is running away with the bad boy, leaving all her friends behind. I don't want to do that. I honestly just get along with everyone. But I know that there are some people who don't. I can apologize that he's causing friction if indeed he is causing friction, but I won't apologize for liking him. And seriously? If you have a concern, please say so. What if he really was bad for me? What if he was abusive or pushy or whatever it is that concerns you guys? What if I were in trouble with him?
I'm not. He respects my space when I ask for it. Yes, he curses too much. So does half the world. Yes, he can be argumentative. I can talk to him about taking it down a notch, because I know that some of you take offense to it. I don't argue with people. He doesn't get fuel from me and I also know that he's not being malicious. He's just intense.
But I'm happy. He is thoughtful and considerate and generous and intelligent. I'd love to ask you to spend more time with him, but you don't have to. If you really don't like him that much, okay. I understand. If you want to just hang out with me, just say so. I'm not offended. I just ask that you trust my judgement in him, but seriously, bring me your concerns. I would like to assuage them or take them into consideration as the case may be, okay?
--
To classes starting tomorrow: go easy on me. I was having a wonderful start of the year now that I was back. Then drama happened and while I personally am in a great space, there are people around me who are not and who are trying to drag me down with them. Please don't add to my troubles.
Monday, January 9, 2012
grocery list of silver linings
See, this is why I should stop complaining all the time.
First, was kind of lonely when I woke up. Ended up spending the entire day with friends.
Second, wrote an entire blog post ranting about how I didn't want to spend two fifty on a parking pass for a semester? Turns out, a parking pass for a semester is only one twenty-five.
Third, I was freaking out because I'm technically writing this at one in the morning on Tuesday, but because I was a derp and forgot to change the time settings on the blog, it's still being recognized as Monday. Which is awesome. Because, as a college student, my day doesn't end until I say it ends, no matter what the clock says.
Seriously, I feel incredibly ungrateful now. I love the world and all its inhabitants. I always have. I just have moments of intensely disliking them.
First, was kind of lonely when I woke up. Ended up spending the entire day with friends.
Second, wrote an entire blog post ranting about how I didn't want to spend two fifty on a parking pass for a semester? Turns out, a parking pass for a semester is only one twenty-five.
Third, I was freaking out because I'm technically writing this at one in the morning on Tuesday, but because I was a derp and forgot to change the time settings on the blog, it's still being recognized as Monday. Which is awesome. Because, as a college student, my day doesn't end until I say it ends, no matter what the clock says.
Seriously, I feel incredibly ungrateful now. I love the world and all its inhabitants. I always have. I just have moments of intensely disliking them.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
autobots, swiss roll out
Dear car,
You can stay packed up for the night. I got the most important things out of you, but I'm just too tired to do it tonight. I totally just woke up at five in the morning, worked a six-hour shift, packed you up, drove two hours, pulled into church twenty minutes late straight from the highway, went home for all of thirty seconds to drop off the things that would totally get stolen out of my front seat, drove to campus and then hung out with my friends until nearly eleven at night. I've had a long day.
Also, I'm sorry that you smell like hookah smoke now. It was my first time going to a hookah lounge. I don't think it's my thing. It smelled nice in there for a while, and the couches were really comfy and I got to snuggle with the BOY for a long time, but I didn't smoke and afterwards, everything felt kind of grungy and smelled like cotton candy and tobacco. Not really my hang-out spot of choice.
Also also, that fixing of the ball joint? Did nothing for the noise. That's still there, whatever it is.
I promise I'll clean you out tomorrow. I just have to rearrange my room first so that I can put a desk in, whenever I get that. And vacuum. I need to do that too.
But for now, I want to sleep.
You can stay packed up for the night. I got the most important things out of you, but I'm just too tired to do it tonight. I totally just woke up at five in the morning, worked a six-hour shift, packed you up, drove two hours, pulled into church twenty minutes late straight from the highway, went home for all of thirty seconds to drop off the things that would totally get stolen out of my front seat, drove to campus and then hung out with my friends until nearly eleven at night. I've had a long day.
Also, I'm sorry that you smell like hookah smoke now. It was my first time going to a hookah lounge. I don't think it's my thing. It smelled nice in there for a while, and the couches were really comfy and I got to snuggle with the BOY for a long time, but I didn't smoke and afterwards, everything felt kind of grungy and smelled like cotton candy and tobacco. Not really my hang-out spot of choice.
Also also, that fixing of the ball joint? Did nothing for the noise. That's still there, whatever it is.
I promise I'll clean you out tomorrow. I just have to rearrange my room first so that I can put a desk in, whenever I get that. And vacuum. I need to do that too.
But for now, I want to sleep.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
playing the devil's food advocate cake
If I'm wrong, so what? Pascal's Wager, people. In the end, I miss out on some sex. So? In what I've seen so far, mo' sexytimes often lead to mo' problems.
Friday, January 6, 2012
like ketchup on a bun
So, I'm in the process of packing up my car to go back to school. It's kind of a slip-shod affair, consisting mostly of just putting my clothes back into the laundry baskets I brought them in, wrestling my new computer back into its box, and trying to decide just what I am comfortable with leaving in the trunk of my car for any length of time. I'm working all the way up until the day I leave - in fact, working the morning of the day I leave - and it's kind of going to be a 'seriously gotta get out of the house' moment on Sunday after work. So, to streamline the process, I'm trying to prepack as much as possible. But having to decide what's okay to have sitting in my car is a matter of weighing what fits and what I'm most attached to. Not to mention that because of my work schedule, my windows of time to do all of this are rather small and more than half of the time is at night.
It doesn't matter. It will get done and I will be fine. It's just on my mind at the moment.
My car in general has been on my mind lately. I had to get it inspected this past week and now that's taken care of and not hanging over my head like it had been. They had to fix the left upper ball joint and I'm wondering if them fixing it made the noise go away that used to happen when I pulled a sharp U-turn. It would make a rather scary thumping noise just as you pulled out of the sharpest point of the turn and more than one friend was convinced my car was falling apart. But it had made that noise for as long as I could remember, so after a while, I noticed it still but it didn't bother me. But I haven't heard it since getting that ball joint fixed, so I'm hoping that was somehow related and is now gone. Either that, or I haven't pulled a sharp enough turn since then.
I also discovered that if my seat is not adjusted correctly, the rear-view mirror is a blind spot. That's kind of ridiculous, car. I mean, my car has always had stupid blind spots. The frame on either side of the windshield has been a ranting point for me for ages, since it blocks my view of oncoming cars at a 90-degree angle both ways. Super-dangerous if you're not aware of it. But recently, my brother drove in my car and so I was sitting on his seat adjustments and I realized that, because he had the seat riding higher and farther forward than I usually do - which, by the by, makes no sense, seeing as how he is taller than I am and has longer legs - that I couldn't see down the middle of my windshield because the rear-view mirror was in the way. But hey, my car runs and it gets decent mileage and the air conditioning and radio work. I honestly can't complain too much about it. Just stuff that I know I will look for next time I get a vehicle.
The reason it probably took me so long to notice the rear-view mirror was that I hadn't been driving the car much at all last semester. Honestly, the most it got driven was once every weekend to go to church and run any errands for the week. I walked or biked to school and put everything off until those trips, so it just sat there in front of the house for most of the time.
However, this semester, it's probably going to get a little more wear. My mom has been on my case about getting a parking pass and I finally caved to put her at ease for the winter.
Which brings up the whole reason I hadn't been driving the car in the first place: parking.
My college campus has limited parking, especially with recent construction work that has been closing lots right and left, and so there is a parking fee for any cars on campus. For two hundred and fifty dollars, you get a little decal on your car for a year.
Now, it might just be because I went to a community college that had the parking fee included because it was bleedingly obvious that we were going to need to park because that was the only way to get to school, but the idea of having to pay parking fees to get my education for which I am already paying outrageous amounts of money... that rankles me a little. Not to mention that there is no sort of break for commuter students. It's not like a car is an optional accessory for us; we need it to get to school - a little recognition of our situation would be nice. But okay, they're not getting the boarding fees from us, so sure, they can have my money. I'll roll with it.
But the parking lots are always full. At least, all the convenient ones are. Which I understand. No one wants to walk all the way across campus to get to their class. And even finding a spot in the inconvenient lots can be difficult at times. But the thing is, these cars aren't people who need convenient parking. These vehicles sit there for weeks. No joke, you can walk by the same car in the same parking spot for weeks. It belongs to a student on campus and they just haven't had to drive it.
No biggie. You might not need to drive your car every day. It's cool. I don't drive mine every day either. But seriously, if you're not going to be needing it at hand constantly, why not park it, y'know, a little farther away? Give someone else the better spot, because they are having to come and go every day and that would be that much less hassle for them when they are running ten minutes late for class because of traffic.
It bothers me how much this bothers me. I'm not even all that badly affected by this, seeing as how I live close enough off-campus to walk, but with the winter coming and the nasty weather it brings, things are a'changin'. If there could just be a designated lot for commuters, or a designated lot for on-campus students, or, I dunno, more lots in general, it would make a bit more sense.
I injured my foot towards the end of the semester and was on crutches for a day or two while the doctor tried to figure out if anything was really wrong with it. Clearly, there was to be no walking to school for me, so I drove with a temporary parking pass. And because of the whole 'no convenient parking' thing, I had to park behind the athletic fields. And walk all the way into campus. On crutches. In the rain.
It's not so bad for the actual handicapped folks, because at least we have decent availability for those spots and for the most part they're pretty well-located. And I ended up being just fine, so it was really just more of an annoyance for that day than a real hazard or issue, but seriously? It just brought it home for me n a way that had me thinking less-than-charitable thoughts.
So yeah, the thought of having to dish out two hundred and fifty dollars for a less-than-convenient-and-not-all-that-necessary-for-me service is sort of bothering me. And even though I might not actually need it this semester - I'm honestly just getting it because of my mom's constant worry for me and because if the weather gets nasty, I'd rather not be stuck out in it every day for a half-hour one way - next semester, I plan on being in an apartment of my own. Which is unlikely to be as conveniently close as the room I'm currently renting The car is going to become the necessity that it is for my other commuter friends.
So I guess I'm going to have to get over it. At least I won't have to freeze my fingers off or get rained on. I can be positive about this too.
I just need to finish packing.
It doesn't matter. It will get done and I will be fine. It's just on my mind at the moment.
My car in general has been on my mind lately. I had to get it inspected this past week and now that's taken care of and not hanging over my head like it had been. They had to fix the left upper ball joint and I'm wondering if them fixing it made the noise go away that used to happen when I pulled a sharp U-turn. It would make a rather scary thumping noise just as you pulled out of the sharpest point of the turn and more than one friend was convinced my car was falling apart. But it had made that noise for as long as I could remember, so after a while, I noticed it still but it didn't bother me. But I haven't heard it since getting that ball joint fixed, so I'm hoping that was somehow related and is now gone. Either that, or I haven't pulled a sharp enough turn since then.
I also discovered that if my seat is not adjusted correctly, the rear-view mirror is a blind spot. That's kind of ridiculous, car. I mean, my car has always had stupid blind spots. The frame on either side of the windshield has been a ranting point for me for ages, since it blocks my view of oncoming cars at a 90-degree angle both ways. Super-dangerous if you're not aware of it. But recently, my brother drove in my car and so I was sitting on his seat adjustments and I realized that, because he had the seat riding higher and farther forward than I usually do - which, by the by, makes no sense, seeing as how he is taller than I am and has longer legs - that I couldn't see down the middle of my windshield because the rear-view mirror was in the way. But hey, my car runs and it gets decent mileage and the air conditioning and radio work. I honestly can't complain too much about it. Just stuff that I know I will look for next time I get a vehicle.
The reason it probably took me so long to notice the rear-view mirror was that I hadn't been driving the car much at all last semester. Honestly, the most it got driven was once every weekend to go to church and run any errands for the week. I walked or biked to school and put everything off until those trips, so it just sat there in front of the house for most of the time.
However, this semester, it's probably going to get a little more wear. My mom has been on my case about getting a parking pass and I finally caved to put her at ease for the winter.
Which brings up the whole reason I hadn't been driving the car in the first place: parking.
My college campus has limited parking, especially with recent construction work that has been closing lots right and left, and so there is a parking fee for any cars on campus. For two hundred and fifty dollars, you get a little decal on your car for a year.
Now, it might just be because I went to a community college that had the parking fee included because it was bleedingly obvious that we were going to need to park because that was the only way to get to school, but the idea of having to pay parking fees to get my education for which I am already paying outrageous amounts of money... that rankles me a little. Not to mention that there is no sort of break for commuter students. It's not like a car is an optional accessory for us; we need it to get to school - a little recognition of our situation would be nice. But okay, they're not getting the boarding fees from us, so sure, they can have my money. I'll roll with it.
But the parking lots are always full. At least, all the convenient ones are. Which I understand. No one wants to walk all the way across campus to get to their class. And even finding a spot in the inconvenient lots can be difficult at times. But the thing is, these cars aren't people who need convenient parking. These vehicles sit there for weeks. No joke, you can walk by the same car in the same parking spot for weeks. It belongs to a student on campus and they just haven't had to drive it.
No biggie. You might not need to drive your car every day. It's cool. I don't drive mine every day either. But seriously, if you're not going to be needing it at hand constantly, why not park it, y'know, a little farther away? Give someone else the better spot, because they are having to come and go every day and that would be that much less hassle for them when they are running ten minutes late for class because of traffic.
It bothers me how much this bothers me. I'm not even all that badly affected by this, seeing as how I live close enough off-campus to walk, but with the winter coming and the nasty weather it brings, things are a'changin'. If there could just be a designated lot for commuters, or a designated lot for on-campus students, or, I dunno, more lots in general, it would make a bit more sense.
I injured my foot towards the end of the semester and was on crutches for a day or two while the doctor tried to figure out if anything was really wrong with it. Clearly, there was to be no walking to school for me, so I drove with a temporary parking pass. And because of the whole 'no convenient parking' thing, I had to park behind the athletic fields. And walk all the way into campus. On crutches. In the rain.
It's not so bad for the actual handicapped folks, because at least we have decent availability for those spots and for the most part they're pretty well-located. And I ended up being just fine, so it was really just more of an annoyance for that day than a real hazard or issue, but seriously? It just brought it home for me n a way that had me thinking less-than-charitable thoughts.
So yeah, the thought of having to dish out two hundred and fifty dollars for a less-than-convenient-and-not-all-that-necessary-for-me service is sort of bothering me. And even though I might not actually need it this semester - I'm honestly just getting it because of my mom's constant worry for me and because if the weather gets nasty, I'd rather not be stuck out in it every day for a half-hour one way - next semester, I plan on being in an apartment of my own. Which is unlikely to be as conveniently close as the room I'm currently renting The car is going to become the necessity that it is for my other commuter friends.
So I guess I'm going to have to get over it. At least I won't have to freeze my fingers off or get rained on. I can be positive about this too.
I just need to finish packing.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
sometimes water turns to ice
What do you think about quasi ghosts?
I didn't even know that 'quasi ghosts' were a thing. Is that some sort of an apparational afterthought?
I sort of had a train of thought I was going to go with on this, leading into 80's cult-classic movies and my obsession with quirk, but then I did a Google search for 'quasi ghosts' to see if they were, in fact, a thing. And the first result was this little video.
My favorite part is where the boy is on the escalator and he smiles at something just as he reaches the bottom. It's right in the midst of that silly mirroring, but it just is somehow clicks, just jumps out at me. It somehow was a powerful moment. I just find the whole thing strangely compelling. I could just watch it over and over again and I don't know why.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
food for thought requires a brain with teeth
Thinking about thinking lately. Odd.
I guess it's because I've had a lot of time to myself. Not really relaxation time, in which I wouldn't be thinking because I'd be playing videogames or sleeping or watching clips of improv comedy shows, but just... time. Time while working or driving in the car or just laying in bed trying to fall asleep, when my brain is still working but doesn't really have anything to do. Time that I don't really have at school, because I am constantly doing something that requires my attention.
So, in that time, I tend to think about things.
The thing is, I don't tend to think in really long, extended scenarios and whatnot. Platonic dialogues my head does not do. Instead, there just tend to be little snippets of thought; little scenes or situations. Writing them down helps sometimes, but often, I just replay them over and over in my head.
Which can lead to me freaking out sometimes. Because I tend to overthink things, in that it gets stuck in my head and I worry about it. I've gotten better about it, I really have, but there always comes that time when you get an idea stuck in your head and for good or ill, it just won't go away. This blog was one of those things. So was the idea that I had to find an apartment before school started. That idea, that knowledge, that thought, just kept turning over and over in my head until I was almost literally in tears every time it came up.
Because, when I do tend to expand on things, it's usually to think of every worst possible outcome. I've gotten better about it, but even tonight, I was thinking about things and getting upset about potential outcomes that haven't even been possibilities yet.
I realized I was doing it though, and I guess that's a start to stopping. Not stopping thinking - because, honestly, I don't think I do enough thinking because of the aforementioned busy-busy of my life - but stop worrying. You can think something through without getting worried about it. I have a conversation that I need to have with my mom, and it could very well go without a hitch. I know that I was worried about things at the beginning of my relationship with the BOY, wondering how I would address certain things and how he would react to things, and when would be the right moment to breach the subject? And then it all just fell into place. Things would come up in a natural way, be discussed, and then they would be all right. There wasn't any forcing of the issue, no matter how much I freaked out about it and tried to decide when it should be talked about.
It's very anti-climactic, actually. I've found, over the course of my life, that whatever I end up thinking up or expecting is exactly what doesn't happen. It's become something of a pattern. And on the one hand, it can be reassuring, knowing that because I thought up the worst possible scenario for something, that it won't come to pass. On the other hand, it can be nerve-wracking too. On the occasions that I actually am thinking about something that I want to happen, I can worry then because - now that I've thought it up - it won't happen.
Overthinking. It's how I do.
So yeah, trying to figure out how to do the thinking without the worrying and naysaying. It's not a perfect practice yet, but it's coming along. Worried about my mom and me talking, but also was thinking about how much I like school and how I'm excited to see my friends again. Was thinking about how I need to pack up my car, and trying to keep a tight rein on that line of thought, seeing as how that is a definite opportunity for stress, what with there being a tight schedule I have to keep for the next four days what with work all the way up until the day I leave.
All in all, I was just thinking, and that got me thinking about thinking. And even as I think about thinking, there are clear little markers throughout about how I worry about how I think, but I think that in the end, I'm going to be okay. Just let things happen as they happen and deal with them as they do. It's a lesson I've been learning for the past few months especially, and it'll eventually drill its way into my head.
I guess it's because I've had a lot of time to myself. Not really relaxation time, in which I wouldn't be thinking because I'd be playing videogames or sleeping or watching clips of improv comedy shows, but just... time. Time while working or driving in the car or just laying in bed trying to fall asleep, when my brain is still working but doesn't really have anything to do. Time that I don't really have at school, because I am constantly doing something that requires my attention.
So, in that time, I tend to think about things.
The thing is, I don't tend to think in really long, extended scenarios and whatnot. Platonic dialogues my head does not do. Instead, there just tend to be little snippets of thought; little scenes or situations. Writing them down helps sometimes, but often, I just replay them over and over in my head.
Which can lead to me freaking out sometimes. Because I tend to overthink things, in that it gets stuck in my head and I worry about it. I've gotten better about it, I really have, but there always comes that time when you get an idea stuck in your head and for good or ill, it just won't go away. This blog was one of those things. So was the idea that I had to find an apartment before school started. That idea, that knowledge, that thought, just kept turning over and over in my head until I was almost literally in tears every time it came up.
Because, when I do tend to expand on things, it's usually to think of every worst possible outcome. I've gotten better about it, but even tonight, I was thinking about things and getting upset about potential outcomes that haven't even been possibilities yet.
I realized I was doing it though, and I guess that's a start to stopping. Not stopping thinking - because, honestly, I don't think I do enough thinking because of the aforementioned busy-busy of my life - but stop worrying. You can think something through without getting worried about it. I have a conversation that I need to have with my mom, and it could very well go without a hitch. I know that I was worried about things at the beginning of my relationship with the BOY, wondering how I would address certain things and how he would react to things, and when would be the right moment to breach the subject? And then it all just fell into place. Things would come up in a natural way, be discussed, and then they would be all right. There wasn't any forcing of the issue, no matter how much I freaked out about it and tried to decide when it should be talked about.
It's very anti-climactic, actually. I've found, over the course of my life, that whatever I end up thinking up or expecting is exactly what doesn't happen. It's become something of a pattern. And on the one hand, it can be reassuring, knowing that because I thought up the worst possible scenario for something, that it won't come to pass. On the other hand, it can be nerve-wracking too. On the occasions that I actually am thinking about something that I want to happen, I can worry then because - now that I've thought it up - it won't happen.
Overthinking. It's how I do.
So yeah, trying to figure out how to do the thinking without the worrying and naysaying. It's not a perfect practice yet, but it's coming along. Worried about my mom and me talking, but also was thinking about how much I like school and how I'm excited to see my friends again. Was thinking about how I need to pack up my car, and trying to keep a tight rein on that line of thought, seeing as how that is a definite opportunity for stress, what with there being a tight schedule I have to keep for the next four days what with work all the way up until the day I leave.
All in all, I was just thinking, and that got me thinking about thinking. And even as I think about thinking, there are clear little markers throughout about how I worry about how I think, but I think that in the end, I'm going to be okay. Just let things happen as they happen and deal with them as they do. It's a lesson I've been learning for the past few months especially, and it'll eventually drill its way into my head.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
and yes, I would like fries with that
So, today, I bought my textbooks for next semester. And I'm feeling rather smugly rebellious about that, because this is probably the latest I have put off ordering my books. Ever. I've got exactly a week until classes start and the old me would have been panicking about having put it off for so long, not wanting to be one of those people who is still picking up obvious textbook deliveries from the mailroom months into the semester. But the new me, the older and wiser me, the me of 2012 and all the badassery that those numbers bring to mind, is satisfied that they were at least ordered.
And I lucked out this semester a bit. At least, we're hoping I did. The most expensive book individually was about fifty dollars, so book by book, this was probably the cheapest semester I've ever had. There are just about a million of them. About ten of them were under ten dollars each, but that's ten of them. All told, I have over a dozen textbooks. And I think I'm going to have to use all of them...
The thing is, last semester, I ended up being rather frustrated. Two textbooks together cost me nearly two hundred and fifty dollars, and I ended up not ever, ever, ever using either of those textbooks. Bogus, I say.
I don't understand it. The book that I used the most last semester? Cost me four dollars and twenty-five cents. It was a beat-up little paperback for my drama class. Was required reading. My accounting textbook? One of the books I spent far too much on. My professor was good enough that I never needed to crack it open. Not for homework problems, nothing. I spent all that money, and never once used the text. Got a B in the class and the only reason it wasn't an A was because I didn't do so hot on the final due to a) not studying the right sections because I am an procrastinating idiot and b) my prof not making the test - the department did - so I was thrown by the unfamiliar format and wording.
So yeah, here's hoping that these books will end up being, y'know, used this semester. Now I just have to wait until they arrive.
And I lucked out this semester a bit. At least, we're hoping I did. The most expensive book individually was about fifty dollars, so book by book, this was probably the cheapest semester I've ever had. There are just about a million of them. About ten of them were under ten dollars each, but that's ten of them. All told, I have over a dozen textbooks. And I think I'm going to have to use all of them...
The thing is, last semester, I ended up being rather frustrated. Two textbooks together cost me nearly two hundred and fifty dollars, and I ended up not ever, ever, ever using either of those textbooks. Bogus, I say.
I don't understand it. The book that I used the most last semester? Cost me four dollars and twenty-five cents. It was a beat-up little paperback for my drama class. Was required reading. My accounting textbook? One of the books I spent far too much on. My professor was good enough that I never needed to crack it open. Not for homework problems, nothing. I spent all that money, and never once used the text. Got a B in the class and the only reason it wasn't an A was because I didn't do so hot on the final due to a) not studying the right sections because I am an procrastinating idiot and b) my prof not making the test - the department did - so I was thrown by the unfamiliar format and wording.
So yeah, here's hoping that these books will end up being, y'know, used this semester. Now I just have to wait until they arrive.
Monday, January 2, 2012
it takes two to salsa and chips
I had a dream last night. I tend to dream most nights, and they're very often... weird. They're cinematic, so I love dreaming because it's like watching an action/adventure flick every night, but looking back on them in the morning, I often wonder what on earth goes through my brain at night. Last night involved zombies. And it was amazing. Except for when it was traumatizing.
And it wasn't traumatizing for the reasons you would think. None of my family got eaten in front of me, or got their brains blown out by overzealous shotgun-wielding vigalante-wannabes. I didn't end up naked in front of the zombie hoards and I didn't get zombified. No, instead, I sort of emotionally cheated on the BOY.
I'm not a possessive person. Well, that's kind of a lie. I am. My stuff is my stuff. Don't touch it. Please. But when it comes to people, I'm not one of those friends that feels threatened by other people. The BOY flirts with everything, and it doesn't bother me. I'm still sort of getting used to the idea that I am sort of exclusively 'belonging' to another person and that I have a person who sort of exclusively 'belongs' to me - and I use the term 'belong' very, very loosely. But there is that sense of exclusivity now. I'm learning just how much I can depend on this other person, how much I can confide in them, how much I can lean on them and need them and in return, be the receiver of all of these things in return. But it comes down to that I am very happy where I am, with who I am with.
Which is why this dream bothered me as much as it did. First, we were in the middle of this zombie apocalypse, where the moon is literally bleeding and we are probably facing the end of the world, and I can't contact the BOY. I don't know if he's alive or dead and knowing that I only have days, if not hours, to live and I can't tell him how much he means to me... that was really hard. Then, I was confronted with another boy that I know. It was one of those dream-circumstances where it was definitely a person you know in real life, but it looks nothing like them and really even acts nothing like them. He was part of some group of resistance fighters, who had built up something of an organization to take out the zombies, and I was essentially rescued by him. We hadn't seen each other in years in the dream and we hugged, as both of us are prone to do in real life.
That was where it got weird. Something - call it dream preknowledge - tipped me off that the boy was about to confess. So I jumped ahead of him, informing him that I was already in a relationship with the BOY, trying to let him down easy. I felt his shoulders slump and I apologized. But apparently that wasn't enough for my dream-self, because then I went on to say words that kind of haunt me right now: "I'm not going to ask you to wait for me or anything, because that would give the wrong idea, but..."
It's the "but" that gets me. I don't actually like this boy in that way at all in real life. He is a good friend, but I am not interested. The only reason I can come up with - the reason that flashed through my brain in the dream for even giving out that "but" - is that there is a single hurdle to the BOY's and my relationship that would not exist with this other boy. I understand that this was merely a dream and that the actions within the dream are not necessarily representative of my actions in real life, but it bothers me that my brain leaped ahead to this hurdle - one that can be easily overcome with time and patience and the mutual respect that we already have for one another - and came up with the idea that I should ask this other boy to wait until that hurdle drove me and the BOY apart. It's just... no.
Fastforward through some zombie-evasion and other such cool action-hero stuff, and get to where I am still worried about the BOY, but am hugging it out with the other boy again. This time, it's a mutual advantage-taking and we both know it. He's taking advantage of the fact that I need to be held to get close to me, and I'm taking advantage of the fact that he has feelings for me so that I can be supported. That bothered me too. Granted, the whole reason I need to be supported was because I was worried for the BOY, but I was just slumped over in the other boy's arms, cuddling in a way I only ever have with the BOY. It just felt so wrong, that I would be depending on this other person while I didn't know if the BOY was okay.
I know that this is all bothering me far more than it should. It was just a dream, and for a few times in the dream - because dreams are stupid like that, without any sense of linearity or consistency - it was actually the BOY holding me and supporting me before it would flash back to the other boy. It's all because I'm lonely right now after having been surrounded by friends for months only to go back to my parents' house on my own, and because I'm missing the BOY, and because I'm exhausted and hormonal. Everything is hitting me harder than it should.
I never used to get lonely like this. Even taking out the 'exhausted' and 'hormonal' bits, I've been missing the BOY like nobody's business the last week or so. I did all right for the first few weeks of break, but as the time gets closer to go back, it's getting harder to wait. It's just... weird, and I'm not sure that I like it. It's all part of getting used to being in a relationship, I guess, and due to the fact that I overthink every. damn. thing. I've been thinking a lot of about myself and about things and it's just all piling up because I can't do anything about any of it until I get back from break.
The good news is that I get back in less than a week now. I'm ready to not feel this anxious and needy and lonely all the time.
And it wasn't traumatizing for the reasons you would think. None of my family got eaten in front of me, or got their brains blown out by overzealous shotgun-wielding vigalante-wannabes. I didn't end up naked in front of the zombie hoards and I didn't get zombified. No, instead, I sort of emotionally cheated on the BOY.
I'm not a possessive person. Well, that's kind of a lie. I am. My stuff is my stuff. Don't touch it. Please. But when it comes to people, I'm not one of those friends that feels threatened by other people. The BOY flirts with everything, and it doesn't bother me. I'm still sort of getting used to the idea that I am sort of exclusively 'belonging' to another person and that I have a person who sort of exclusively 'belongs' to me - and I use the term 'belong' very, very loosely. But there is that sense of exclusivity now. I'm learning just how much I can depend on this other person, how much I can confide in them, how much I can lean on them and need them and in return, be the receiver of all of these things in return. But it comes down to that I am very happy where I am, with who I am with.
Which is why this dream bothered me as much as it did. First, we were in the middle of this zombie apocalypse, where the moon is literally bleeding and we are probably facing the end of the world, and I can't contact the BOY. I don't know if he's alive or dead and knowing that I only have days, if not hours, to live and I can't tell him how much he means to me... that was really hard. Then, I was confronted with another boy that I know. It was one of those dream-circumstances where it was definitely a person you know in real life, but it looks nothing like them and really even acts nothing like them. He was part of some group of resistance fighters, who had built up something of an organization to take out the zombies, and I was essentially rescued by him. We hadn't seen each other in years in the dream and we hugged, as both of us are prone to do in real life.
That was where it got weird. Something - call it dream preknowledge - tipped me off that the boy was about to confess. So I jumped ahead of him, informing him that I was already in a relationship with the BOY, trying to let him down easy. I felt his shoulders slump and I apologized. But apparently that wasn't enough for my dream-self, because then I went on to say words that kind of haunt me right now: "I'm not going to ask you to wait for me or anything, because that would give the wrong idea, but..."
It's the "but" that gets me. I don't actually like this boy in that way at all in real life. He is a good friend, but I am not interested. The only reason I can come up with - the reason that flashed through my brain in the dream for even giving out that "but" - is that there is a single hurdle to the BOY's and my relationship that would not exist with this other boy. I understand that this was merely a dream and that the actions within the dream are not necessarily representative of my actions in real life, but it bothers me that my brain leaped ahead to this hurdle - one that can be easily overcome with time and patience and the mutual respect that we already have for one another - and came up with the idea that I should ask this other boy to wait until that hurdle drove me and the BOY apart. It's just... no.
Fastforward through some zombie-evasion and other such cool action-hero stuff, and get to where I am still worried about the BOY, but am hugging it out with the other boy again. This time, it's a mutual advantage-taking and we both know it. He's taking advantage of the fact that I need to be held to get close to me, and I'm taking advantage of the fact that he has feelings for me so that I can be supported. That bothered me too. Granted, the whole reason I need to be supported was because I was worried for the BOY, but I was just slumped over in the other boy's arms, cuddling in a way I only ever have with the BOY. It just felt so wrong, that I would be depending on this other person while I didn't know if the BOY was okay.
I know that this is all bothering me far more than it should. It was just a dream, and for a few times in the dream - because dreams are stupid like that, without any sense of linearity or consistency - it was actually the BOY holding me and supporting me before it would flash back to the other boy. It's all because I'm lonely right now after having been surrounded by friends for months only to go back to my parents' house on my own, and because I'm missing the BOY, and because I'm exhausted and hormonal. Everything is hitting me harder than it should.
I never used to get lonely like this. Even taking out the 'exhausted' and 'hormonal' bits, I've been missing the BOY like nobody's business the last week or so. I did all right for the first few weeks of break, but as the time gets closer to go back, it's getting harder to wait. It's just... weird, and I'm not sure that I like it. It's all part of getting used to being in a relationship, I guess, and due to the fact that I overthink every. damn. thing. I've been thinking a lot of about myself and about things and it's just all piling up because I can't do anything about any of it until I get back from break.
The good news is that I get back in less than a week now. I'm ready to not feel this anxious and needy and lonely all the time.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
right out of the crisper drawer
Nice clean start to the year this year, beginning on a Sunday and everything.
Been thinking a lot lately, fueled by nearly three weeks of being back at home with my parents for break, how arbitrary the "new year" is when it comes to an actual routine. Sure, the days change over and there is an expiration of a lot of deadlines and whatnot, but when it comes down to the nitty-gritty of the daily routine, nothing much changes. You just have to get used to writing a new number at the end of the date. You just keep going on with whatever you were doing the day before, eating your leftovers and drying that load of laundry that you hadn't gotten to.
It's even worse for a college student, because the new year comes at the middle of break. I've got over a week and a half before I even start classes. There's just this awkward period of sitting around waiting while the new year goes on without me. Sure, I have work and that is always good for keeping me busy, but even that is just a continuation. All the spiffy new stuff doesn't get to happen until mid-January.
That's when my birthday rolls around, along with classes. And that of course got me thinking about how birthdays are much the same when it comes to "the more things change". You spend so much time looking forward to them - or, y'know, not, as some you do - and it seems like with each year added, you should somehow magically gain the knowledge and wisdom that you could see everyone else had at that particular age. But it's an arbitrary thing. Sure, you're a whole 'nother three hundred and sixty-five days older. But you aren't magically a different person because of that. You might be a different person, but it's taken you those three hundred and sixty-five days to change. Revelations don't happen merely because time has passed.
It's kind of depressing, almost, realizing how rather over-hyped these things are. And relative. I mean, the new year comes at different times for everyone, doesn't it? I mean, seeing as how there are so many different time zones. So while we're ringing in the new year, there's still someone somewhere who's still got three hours to wait. Unless you're in the last time zone.
That almost makes me jealous, actually, the thought that someone gets the last chance to ring in the new year. It's like going last in class for a presentation. The first person has much less pressure on them because they're the ones starting off and so there's nothing to compare them too yet. They get to set the standard. But the last person gets to see what everyone did before them and what they did wrong. They get all those extra hours to prep for the new year, to see what everyone else has done wrong already in those hours, and to get it right.
Wow, rampant nihilism. Way to start the new year, no?
Because even though the coming of the new year is pretty useless when it comes to just moving on with one's life, it still manages to hold this weird sort of emotional appeal. Even if we really aren't starting over fresh - because it's not as though the baggage just gets left at the door - there is still that freeing sense of turning a new leaf. It's mostly in our heads, but for a lot of things, that's enough.
So yeah, bring it on, 2012. I'm looking forward to you.
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