Thinking about thinking lately. Odd.
I guess it's because I've had a lot of time to myself. Not really relaxation time, in which I wouldn't be thinking because I'd be playing videogames or sleeping or watching clips of improv comedy shows, but just... time. Time while working or driving in the car or just laying in bed trying to fall asleep, when my brain is still working but doesn't really have anything to do. Time that I don't really have at school, because I am constantly doing something that requires my attention.
So, in that time, I tend to think about things.
The thing is, I don't tend to think in really long, extended scenarios and whatnot. Platonic dialogues my head does not do. Instead, there just tend to be little snippets of thought; little scenes or situations. Writing them down helps sometimes, but often, I just replay them over and over in my head.
Which can lead to me freaking out sometimes. Because I tend to overthink things, in that it gets stuck in my head and I worry about it. I've gotten better about it, I really have, but there always comes that time when you get an idea stuck in your head and for good or ill, it just won't go away. This blog was one of those things. So was the idea that I had to find an apartment before school started. That idea, that knowledge, that thought, just kept turning over and over in my head until I was almost literally in tears every time it came up.
Because, when I do tend to expand on things, it's usually to think of every worst possible outcome. I've gotten better about it, but even tonight, I was thinking about things and getting upset about potential outcomes that haven't even been possibilities yet.
I realized I was doing it though, and I guess that's a start to stopping. Not stopping thinking - because, honestly, I don't think I do enough thinking because of the aforementioned busy-busy of my life - but stop worrying. You can think something through without getting worried about it. I have a conversation that I need to have with my mom, and it could very well go without a hitch. I know that I was worried about things at the beginning of my relationship with the BOY, wondering how I would address certain things and how he would react to things, and when would be the right moment to breach the subject? And then it all just fell into place. Things would come up in a natural way, be discussed, and then they would be all right. There wasn't any forcing of the issue, no matter how much I freaked out about it and tried to decide when it should be talked about.
It's very anti-climactic, actually. I've found, over the course of my life, that whatever I end up thinking up or expecting is exactly what doesn't happen. It's become something of a pattern. And on the one hand, it can be reassuring, knowing that because I thought up the worst possible scenario for something, that it won't come to pass. On the other hand, it can be nerve-wracking too. On the occasions that I actually am thinking about something that I want to happen, I can worry then because - now that I've thought it up - it won't happen.
Overthinking. It's how I do.
So yeah, trying to figure out how to do the thinking without the worrying and naysaying. It's not a perfect practice yet, but it's coming along. Worried about my mom and me talking, but also was thinking about how much I like school and how I'm excited to see my friends again. Was thinking about how I need to pack up my car, and trying to keep a tight rein on that line of thought, seeing as how that is a definite opportunity for stress, what with there being a tight schedule I have to keep for the next four days what with work all the way up until the day I leave.
All in all, I was just thinking, and that got me thinking about thinking. And even as I think about thinking, there are clear little markers throughout about how I worry about how I think, but I think that in the end, I'm going to be okay. Just let things happen as they happen and deal with them as they do. It's a lesson I've been learning for the past few months especially, and it'll eventually drill its way into my head.
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